I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize