Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My liver just had a heart attack.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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