Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
