He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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