Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
