the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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