we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
