Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
