my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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