the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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