The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize