I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
