I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
