for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
