It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
