My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
