it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
