When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
