when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
