My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
