pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
