my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
