Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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