my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
they need to just BURY HIM!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
