eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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