a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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