Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
