you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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