After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
