I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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