he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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