Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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