I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
