My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
