I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
