I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
