The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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