Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
