I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize