All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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