im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
