I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
