You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
