She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Found your dick twin last night
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
