I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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