it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
