Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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