So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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