I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
zippers are such a cool invention
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
