my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize