last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
