There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
God I need to hump something, right now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
