You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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