I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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