turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
