i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
