I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
