i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
