you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
