i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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