I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
